When Someone You Love Attempts Suicide
IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL RIGHT NOW, PLEASE CALL 1-800-273-TALK IN THE U.S. OR VISIT IASP TO FIND A HELPLINE IN YOUR COUNTRY.
Discovering that someone you care about has tried to end their life can be a devastating experience. You may initially experience emotions such as shock and denial. Sometimes those close to the suicidal person blame themselves for what has happened and may have thoughts similar to, “If only I’d watched them more closely.” It’s important to understand that if someone close to you has attempted suicide, it is not your fault.
Common feelings and reactions to a loved ones suicide attempt include:
- ANGER: "How could they do that to us?"
- SHAME: "I have to keep this a secret."
- GUILT: "Didn't I love/watch/listen to them enough?"
- FEAR: "Will they try again?"
- AVOIDANCE: "If we pretend this didn't happen, it will go away."
- MINIMIZATION: "They are just trying to get attention."
- IGNORING IT: "This is not my problem. Someone else can deal with it."
Unhelpful reactions to a suicide attempt include:
- PANIC: "This can't be happening", "I don't know what to do", What do we do?"
- NAME CALLING: "You're a psycho."
- CRITICIZING: "That was such a stupid thing to do."
- PREACHING/LECTURING: "You know you shouldn't have done that", "You should've asked for help."
- IGNORING IT: "If I just pretend this didn't happen, it will go away."
- ABANDONING THE PERSON: "I can't take this. I have to leave."
- PUNISHING THE PERSON: "I'm not talking to them until they straighten themselves out."
- DRAMATIZING: "This is the worst possible thing you could have done!"
- SIMPLIFICATION/MINIMIZATION: "You just need some medication and then you'll feel like yourself again."
- BEING ANGRY/OFFENDED: "I can't believe you'd try that", "I can't believe you'd do that to me!"
- GUILTING THE PERSON: "How did you think this would make me feel?"
Often, people report that they find it difficult to support someone who has attempted suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say. It can be hard to find the right words when you’re feeling overwhelmed and emotional yourself. To start, create a “safe space” where the person feels loved, cared about, accepted, supported, and understood. Showing the person that you support them and asking open-ended questions can help open the lines of communication.
The following suggestions may serve as prompts:
“I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I’m so glad you’re still here.”
“I’m here for you. Remember that you can always talk to me if you need to.”
“I want to help you. Tell me what I can do to support you.”
How to support someone who has attempted suicide:
- Be available and let the person know you will listen. It is vital to create a "safe space" for the person to express their feelings as it helps establish trust between you and the person you are concerned about.
- Try to understand the person's feelings and perspectives before exploring solutions together.
- If possible, remove any means that may enable suicidal thoughts or the act of suicide to keep the person safe. Drugs and alcohol are examples of such means.
- Support the person in exploring and developing realistic plans and solutions to deal with their emotional pain. In order to let go of suicide as a solution, they will need to see real changes in their life. This is typically an ongoing process that begins with smaller steps, as the person's struggles haven't occurred overnight.
- It is important for the suicidal person to assume as much responsibility as possible for their own welfare as they are capable of at that time. This can be difficult to consider at first, as you might not feel that you can trust your loved one in that moment.
- Enlist the help of others and make sure you ask family and friends to assist you in supporting the person.
- Remember that you do not have to fill the role of a counselor, psychiatrist, or doctor. Encourage your loved one to utilize any professional resources available to them.
- Consider assisting the person in writing down a safety plan that will detail the steps they need to take to keep themselves safe if they feel suicidal. Having a concrete plan in place may help both of you feel more prepared and in control about the possibility of future suicidal thoughts.
Unfortunately, there is still a degree of stigma surrounding suicide. This may make it difficult to talk about your loved ones suicide attempt, as you may fear that you or your loved one will be judged or criticized.
It is important to remember that it is up to you to decide who to tell and how much to reveal. You may find it helpful to prepare something to say when asked about the suicide attempt, such as a simple: “Yes, it is a difficult time for us. But we’re getting him/her the support he/she needs.” Joining a support group and speaking to people who have also been in similar situations, may offer you a source of non-judgmental support and understanding.
Resources:
Supporting someone who has attempted suicide can be emotionally draining, stressful, and exhausting. It is not possible to watch over someone 24/7 and this is not something you need to deal with alone.
Ensure you have adequate support systems in place for yourself. Identify trusted family members or friends that you can talk to or join a local support group.
If you are finding it difficult to deal with the strain of the situation, you may also wish to consider counseling or professional support for yourself. It is vital that you look after yourself and get the support you need.
If you live in the US and don't know who to turn to, call
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
or The National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).